I mentioned earlier about the list I was sent and instructed to fill in and the sheer horror that possessed me when doing so. However as the months progressed and the number of times we could meet increased, we were speaking everyday. It was so different, so new. I mean he just got me. I could tell the man anything (even that I have a slightly disturbing knowledge of serial killers), and at no point did it feel like he just accepted it, he liked it. He liked me.
This in turn inspires confidence to tell him that my opinion on some things had changed. To tell him about the beautiful detailed fantasies I was having at night. Fantasies that I’d have never dare speak of before. Dreams of being used, of being whipped. Dreams of being broken. Now I’m not about to sit here and say to you that I…
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I know this feeling all too well. The dynamic for me goes something like this. My husband will say something relatively benign. I will get triggered and just absolutely belittle him, yell at him, accuse him of things that aren’t even real (it’s my feelings of insecurity), and he stands there in shock at my reaction. Later, I feel immense remorse for what I have done, and hate myself for doing it. Saying I hate myself is putting it mildly, more like absolutely loathe myself. I wish he would hit me for what I did because I deserve it. He would never do that.
I have resorted to cutting, starving, overdose (on anything I can get my hands on to both ease my pain and punish myself), and beating my head against a wall all to punish myself. No, not very healthy by any means, but a desperation to repent…
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Part Four of The MUSE Project comes a little early. We couldn’t sit on these much longer; Jordan Lehn has been a particular fave of ours for a minute now and it only made sense to provide another look at her. An even split between black and white images and popping color, it’s hard to pick a favorite.
Photos by MrGlass
Stockings, shoes, and lingerie all Jordan’s own.